I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
