Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
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So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
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If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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