No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
