grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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