if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
