Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
