I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
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Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.