I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
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I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
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He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome