if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO