Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
