What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
