if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
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Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
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I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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