my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
