"it" just moved
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
