he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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