Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
