yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
