remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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