So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
