I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
