Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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