We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
