ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
