I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
