i just wanna soil my oats bro
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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