There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
