I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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