i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
