Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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