Don't make out with my wife yet
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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