sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
