evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.