My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person