8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love