Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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