i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
