Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
