I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
