I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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