In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
