What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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