i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
