just come out here and I will go home with you...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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