i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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