Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
