carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
