What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
