Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she smelled like a LAN party
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
