so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
