dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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