You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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