I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
