I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
