He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
