i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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