Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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