well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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